


love me with your worst intentions

by closingdoors



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Dialogue Heavy, F/F, [banging pots and pans together] Vanessa Woodfield deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:54:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22456789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closingdoors/pseuds/closingdoors
Summary: "Vanessa sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. She's had a headache for the last two days. She's tired of arguing. She's just plain tired."A scene to accompany Tuesday 28th January's episode.
Relationships: Charity Dingle/Vanessa Woodfield
Comments: 11
Kudos: 131





	love me with your worst intentions

Love me with your worst intentions  
Painted us a happy ending  
Every time you burned me down  
Don't know how, for a moment it felt like heaven

**Wrong Direction, Hailee Steinfeld**

* * *

Nighttime rolls around and Vanessa stops at Noah's door before she heads to bed, knocking lightly. He doesn't answer, but there's light spilling out from under the door, so she guesses he must be playing one of his games and can't hear her.

She opens the door slowly. He's sitting on his bed, gaming headphones atop his head, playing a game that involves a bit too much shooting for her liking. His eyes are glassy as though he's running on autopilot. She understands the feeling. It's not been long for her since every day had felt like an endless blank, the loss of her dad carving a slice out of everything. 

Vanessa approaches him carefully, taking a wide arc so that he notices her before she reaches him. She doesn't want to startle him.

Noah slips the headphones off of his head once he realises she's there. The game continues playing when he turns to her. His character gets shot and a killcam replays the moment. It almost makes her flinch. 

"What do you want?" 

"Brought you a cuppa," she says, setting it down on his bedside table. He stares at the mug for a beat. "How are you doing?" 

Noah scowls, turning back to his game and playing again. 

"S'not like it matters." 

"Of _course_ it matters, Noah. Why else would I ask?" 

"Doesn't matter to mum, though. I don't ever seem to matter to her unless she's trying to prove something. And then you just go around defending her all the time." 

Vanessa sighs, sitting on the edge of his bed. His character dies onscreen again and he curses before switching the console off.

"I'm not defending her. I - I just know that she didn't kill him. That's all. I'm giving you as much truth as I can." She hesitates. She has to be careful with her words; no matter how angry she is with Charity, it isn't fair to turn her kids against her. "I'm hurting too, you know." 

"Does she know that?" 

"I don't know," she replies honestly.

Noah places his controller and headset on the side. He settles back against his pillows and tastes the tea she made him, pulling a face after. She squeezes his ankle and smiles when he looks up at her guardedly.

"I know your mum tends to... she doesn't really think things through before she speaks. I know you cared about Graham. Your mum may have had grievances with him, but that doesn't mean your feelings don't matter. So if you need to talk about it, or if you don't, or if you don't know what it is you need, well, I'm here for you." 

"Thanks," he replies gruffly, staring into the mug.

Vanessa stands and, before she can think better of it, she bends to press a kiss to Noah's forehead. He grunts but doesn't push her away, and when she draws back there are tears shining in his eyes.

"Goodnight, Noah." 

"Night," he replies quietly, sipping his brew again.

When she enters her room, she doesn't look at Charity. She changes into her pyjamas without a word and slips beneath the duvet, her back to her fiancée. God, it still hurts to think of her like that. They should be wives by now. She screws her eyes shut to keep from crying.

"You're quiet tonight."

"I'm tired, Charity." 

"Thought you'd wanna yell some more. You know, make me feel even worse than I already do. Maybe rat me out to the police while you're at it."

Vanessa sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. She's had a headache for the last two days. She's _tired_ of arguing. She's just plain tired.

"Unless you have anything worthwhile to say, I'm going to bed."

She switches the lamp off, swathing them in darkness.

The mattress dips as Charity climbs in beside her. There's a pregnant pause and then Vanessa breathes in sharply, Charity's arms winding around her from behind. Charity rests her chin on Vanessa's shoulder, her lips brushing against her jaw.

"C'mon, babe. Give me a break. I was just defending Ryan, you know that, yeah?" 

Vanessa keeps quiet. 

She wonders when this had started happening; when she had started letting Charity walk all over her. She'd _told_ her, the last time, back when that casino heist had happened, that she'd wanted nothing but the truth from Charity. That's all she needs. A little honesty so that they can have trust. And Charity had promised that she would never lie to her again. 

She'd broken that promise quickly.

"It's just money he was owed. And look, I know you're a goody two-shoes, you always obey the law an' that, but it's just the Dingle way to _be_ like this. That's what you signed up for."

She stares into the dark. Breathes in deeply. 

"You should've seen him, babe. He was in absolute pieces. Graham _humiliated_ Ryan. Made him feel like he was nothing. What else was I supposed to do?"

"Tell me. Explain the situation. Let me be there for the both of you." 

"Well I know that now, don't I? It was just hard to think straight at the time." 

Her eyes sting with traitorous tears again. It's not new to her; this feeling of always being second-best. Never a priority. Not for anyone. If the situation were flipped, she'd want Charity by her side. It'd be automatic. Instinctual. To lean on her, to share their problems.

But Charity had chosen money over marriage, and it doesn't surprise her, but it _does_ hurt. It's not the first time she's been pushed aside for money. That's the whole reason her dad left when she was a kid. Look at where that had gotten him.

And Charity has form. If the police suspect anything, they'll use her past record against her. It'd be easy. She could lose Charity for god knows how long.

"I mean, it's not like he didn't have it coming, eh?" 

"Charity," she replies sharply.

"Why is everyone suddenly acting like he's a saint? Are we all forgetting everything he did to my kids? Noah can bang on about Sarah, and trust me, I'm gonna get to the bottom of that, but Graham _still_ chose to hide the drug taking from me - "

She turns in Charity's arms, pushing her away.

"You're right, okay? Is that what you want to hear? He was a terrible man." 

"Babe?" 

"But he was also my best friend's partner. He was a friend to your _son._ So maybe some sympathy wouldn't go amiss."

"And where was his sympathy when he was locking Ryan in a shed? When he was calling me a dirty little prostitute in the middle of the street?"

Vanessa pushes up on her elbows. "He what?" 

"Oh, _now_ your sympathy speech stops, yeah?" 

Vanessa glares. Now that her eyes have adjusted to the dark, she can see Charity roll her eyes. Vanessa's jaw sets. 

"You still chose stealing money over getting married to me." 

"Babe," Charity murmurs, reaching out to rest her hand against her cheek. "You know it wasn't like that."

"That's how it feels to me."

"Ness." 

She shakes her head, turning to lay on her side again, her back to Charity. 

The worst part is that Charity doesn't even seem all that upset about missing the wedding. She's apologised, but only because she's had to, she's made out like it's a chore and that Vanessa's overreacting for being upset. As usual, her feelings don't really matter.

"Let me make it up to you, babe," Charity murmurs, her body pressing against hers as her hand snakes under her pyjama top.

Vanessa's body freezes when Charity kisses her pulse point. Before Charity's hand can reach her breast, she rips herself out of her grasp, grabbing her pillow while she's at it.

"I'm going to sleep downstairs," she announces.

Charity's wide-eyed. Vanessa feels anger flood through her until she's practically shaking with it. Charity _really_ believed that sex would make this all better. God, what kind of a pushover has she become? 

Not all that long ago, Charity had been fighting for her. Making her feel wanted. Promising to change. Where has that Charity gone? The one who said she couldn't live without her - who's the woman across the room from her now? 

She doesn't know when they lost sight of each other. 

"Don't be ridiculous. Get back in bed," Charity says, pushing her hair out of her eyes and sitting up. She holds her hand out. "I'm sorry, alright?"

"No, you're not. You're just sorry you got caught. I _told_ you I needed honesty from you and you chose to lie to me anyway." 

"Babe - "

"I'll see you in the morning," she interrupts, already turning away.

It's cold downstairs. She grabs one of the spare covers and tries to push her thoughts away so that she can sleep. 

She'd known, of course, when she got into this relationship, that a life with Charity would not be a smooth one. Charity's conniving and selfish and cruel, but she's gorgeous and funny and, when she's in the right mood, kind. The pros have always outweighed the cons. 

She doesn't know if she believes that anymore.

She's always known that she's not enough for Charity. Charity's always going to seek thrills in other ways, in pathetic scams and shouting matches in the street. Plenty of people have pointed out to her that Charity isn't a good person. And plenty of people have pointed out to Charity that Vanessa's not exactly an adrenaline junkie. They don't match up. She's always thought they'd make it work anyway.

It's hard now to remember why.

Vanessa curls her hand into a fist and feels her engagement ring dig into her skin. Above her, the floorboards creak. Charity leaving the bedroom. She holds her breath and listens, wondering if Charity's coming after her.

She's just heading into the loo.

Vanessa releases the breath and her hope with it.


End file.
